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Orenstein sees a lot that she can’t unsee, and we can’t unhear her warnings: Porn is so pervasive, so ingrained in pop culture, so extreme in its fetishes and so dehumanizing of women that many young men are desensitized to live, consensual sex.
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If you think the problem with porn is that it’s a simple Google search away and gives boys the mistaken impression that breasts should look like cantaloupes, you’ve got about 15 years’ worth of updates coming. Orenstein takes the same eagle-eyed approach to jock culture, rape culture, L.G.B.T.Q. In fact, that assumption is so common, it’s at the root of our problems. And, through story after story, she forced me to see mine: I was wrong to presume that young men couldn’t be beautifully well spoken and lucid about issues of love and sex. To her credit, Orenstein acknowledges her biases. There’s much less from Latinos, which relates to my only criticism of this book: The men of color Orenstein quotes are, she admits, “a select, circumscribed group,” and the same could be said more broadly for most of the book’s interviewees, who seem to come from disproportionately economically secure backgrounds. These honest, insightful young men help Orenstein reach the conclusion that “African-American and Asian-American men are flip sides of the racialized, gendered coin, with white men controlling the toss (heads you lose, tails I win).” Every few pages, the boy world cracks open a little bit like that. In a wrenching chapter on the pressures felt by young men of color on predominantly white college campuses, Orenstein’s interviewees share stories of invisibility, of racist fetishes perpetuated by porn, of having to designate a sober “watch-out person” at frat parties because when a black boy is accused of anything by a white girl, the stakes are higher. However unexpected it is, though, the boys’ willingness and ability to share is also decidedly eye-opening.
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Wyatt, a college junior who leads consent workshops on campus, describes getting pushback from a woman who tells him he doesn’t need to ask permission to take her shirt off, and deems it “exactly the quagmire I want to avoid.” Another college kid, Caleb, admits that he thinks of hookups as “very binary - either you overthink it because you care, or you dissociate yourself from it entirely.” You can imagine Aaron Sorkin scripting these guys. Orenstein’s “Boys & Sex” is a natural follow-up to her 2016 best seller “Girls & Sex.” The young men we meet here tend to be hyperarticulate - to the extent that I was initially skeptical of their eloquence. And then they’re launched into the world without the tools and self-awareness they need to do some good - or, at the very least, to do no harm. Our boys get awkward and quiet we parents get awkwarder and quieter. We’ve left their sex education to pornography we’re clueless about their hormones (turns out, puberty happens long before the first fuzz of a mustache) and we underestimate their vulnerabilities and desire for connection. Both realize that, in our efforts to protect and raise up our daughters, we have neglected our sons’ emotional and physical development. Instead, Orenstein relies on the revealing and sometimes painfully intimate interviews she conducted over the course of two years with boys aged 16 to 22, and Natterson draws from years of practical experience as a pediatrician, and her ability to boil down complicated scientific studies to their tablespoon of curative parental medicine.īut the personal stakes for both authors are clear, and urgent. BOYS & SEX Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent & Navigating the New Masculinity By Peggy OrensteinĭECODING BOYS New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons By Cara Nattersonīoth Peggy Orenstein and Cara Natterson have children who - deliberately, I assume - are mentioned only occasionally in their excellent books about raising better boys.